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Imagine I’m being a typical worker bee at the office, typing away at some droll report or reading an email from a client when an instant message from my wife pops up. “Do you have a minute?” she asks. “Or are you in a meeting?”

“Yes,” I answer, followed by an immediate “No.” Ah, the contradictions of non-realtime communication over a text medium. “I mean, yes I have a minute. And no, I’m working in my cubicle at the moment,” I explain.

Another window pops up: an invitation to video chat. I wonder what she wants that’s so pressing, I silently grumble as I scramble madly for my headphones so that I don’t disturb my neighbors.

All plugged in, I accept the invitation. And I get it.

I hastily double-check behind me and greedily return my eyes to the visual feast. My wife is wearing next to nothing: a pretty little negligee that shows more than it hides. She’s waving. “Hey, honey,” she says, “I just had to see your face real quick before I take care of some business,” She reaches offscreen and grabs a vibrator. “I love you,” she adds with another wave and pulls down her panties.

The last sounds I hear before the window closes itself are an intoxicating buzzing terminated by the harsh click of a mouse.

No, I didn’t see much. I had enough time for the image to embed itself, but I didn’t have time to inspect it in detail. But you can bet the imagery will be repeating itself all day long.

Now, imagine it’s only 10am. A couple hours later, the situation repeats itself. This time, she’s wearing a pink thong and is facing away while she holds a little blue pair against her bare cheeks. “What do you think? The pink one or the blue one?” she asks.

I wipe off the drool from my mouth and stutter a, “B-b-bl-blue.”

“Okay, thanks!” She says with a happy-go-lucky wave. “Bye.”

It’s almost time to go home, and she invites me a third time. She’s wearing a silk robe, and her hair is up in a towel. “Sweetheart,” she says, “can you pick up some whipped cream on the way home? I think I’m going to be hungry after the kids go down.”

You get the idea. And that’s how you get a guy slow cooker going with only a few minor touches through the day.

Originally posted 2015-11-20 08:00:00.