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A Quiet Evening

You’re lounging on the couch, sipping on some merlot as you enjoy a quiet moment with a good book. The house is clean, dinner was excellent, and there are even some leftovers already warming in the oven for your hubby who got held up late at work. Originally, you guys had a big night planned, so the kids are even going to be at the babysitter’s until late. So you’re taking advantage of the opportunity for some peace and quiet.

Until there’s a knock at the door. Setting down the glass and book, you check the mirror to make sure your robe covers the basics and go to the door. You can’t see anything through the peephole. Maybe the porch light is burnt out. So, you crack the door open.

A strong cologne barely has the time to register to your nostrils as familiar before a man in a back ski mask shoves his way in and locks the door behind him. You stagger backward, but he quickly outpaces you and grabs for you as you turn to run. A tearing sound accompanies your robe as it’s stripped off you in an instant, leaving you free but naked as you run in the only direction you have left — the master bedroom. As you turn to slam the door, you see the masked man casually throw aside the tattered remains of your robe after silently watching your exposed escape.

You lock the door and listen for the sounds of his footsteps approaching as your own heart pounds in your ears. You know this door won’t stop him. It will delay him, but he’ll get what he came for, and you’ll have bruises to show for it in the morning. And while you try to catch your breath and mentally prepare yourself for what’s coming, you can’t help but think of how your husband can make even a ski mask look sexy.

Going Too Far?

Is rape roleplay taking roleplay too far or is it harmless fun in an undefiled, everything-permitted marriage bed?

Whew, what a loaded question! And a fair bit intimidating, too! But I’m going to take a swing at it.

Let me first say this: I cannot claim to understand or relate to the experiences of a woman who has been victimized by the real thing, but I can probably come closer than many men. I was raped, molested, assaulted, and otherwise violated as a boy and preteen, and I know it still affects me decades later. The real thing is no jovial matter, and it leaves no warm memories.

Second, in the spirit of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 10:23, I’ll note that if this is truly roleplay and no actual rape is taking place, I’d find it difficult to justify a suggestion that this is unethical from a head-on perspective.

The real ethical question, though, is the in-head perspective. I believe you really need to consider three key questions.

Why does this fantasy appeal to one or both of you?

Perhaps it’s simply the sense of helplessness or the excuse for aggression. If so, there may be other ways to appeal to these desires, but this is certainly an effective avenue. Perhaps, though, the motivation is a bit darker — a reminder of a past violation or other unresolved issue.

How do you feel during the encounter?

Perhaps you’re excited or aroused, but again there’s a set of darker alternatives: anger, fear, rage. These are emotionally dangerous and have the capacity to become physically so.

What are you left with when it’s all said and done?

A thrilling experience and a shortness of breath? Or a bruise from someone going too far and feelings of resentment, confusion, unease, strength, or weakness? Sure, you feel more alive, but are you closer to your spouse because of it?

Answers

These are all questions you really should prayerfully seek the answers to, and you shouldn’t do so alone. You need to likely include either or both your spouse and your sex-positive Christian counselor to ensure that what you’re sowing and reaping are both healthy things.

What? You didn’t expect a blog writer to be able to answer this alone, did you?

Personally, I can’t help but think there’s something else at work in this, and not something good. But I’m a blogger, not a certified counselor or psychologist.

I’m all about roleplay, and I’m all about rough sex, and I’m all about power/helpless roles. They have their appeal, and there’s a lot of fun to be had in the vulnerability in each. But I just can’t get behind this in my own marriage.

It’s just not for me. Perhaps due to my past, though. Your mileage may vary.

Originally posted 2016-02-29 08:00:40.