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Glitter is devil dust.

I’m only barely joking, too. I’ve seriously entertained the possibility that Christ’s descriptions of hell depict a ubiquity of glitter: unquenchable fire is the unquenchable annoyance of sparkles that cannot be removed by any force in creation; the weeping and gnashing of teeth come from tiny sharp corners poking eyes and tongues and every other orifice. If the lake of fire were indeed a lake of glitter, then Hell is horrible and glitter is devil dust.

The only thing that could possibly be worse than eternal separation from God is eternal separation from God combined with the eternal impossibility of separation from glitter.

Before you start questioning my theology, I don’t genuinely believe that hell is just glitter. I don’t think any loving God could create such a terrible place. My theodicy shudders to consider such a possibility.

An artistic friend once described glitter as the “herpes of the craft world”. It’s an apt description.

If you get it on you, it’s next to impossible to get rid of it.

You might have it and not know it.

You feel ashamed if someone notices it and points it out.

And it will spread to others like the plague.

And while we’re on the subject of the plague, the Black Death could very well have been caused by glitter rather than fleas. I expect it’s easy to confuse the two.

Think about it…

A bunch of rats get into a big vat at a glitter factory (the absolute worst possible workplace on the planet, by the way), and the rats fled in all directions once they realized what they’d gotten into (even rats hate glitter). Then the glitter spreads all over Europe, and citizens everywhere try everything they can to get rid of it — scrub it off, scratch it off, burn it off with lye, and who knows what other unfruitful and eventually fatal methods.

The reason history books depict something else could be because a clandestine glitter cartel conspired to cover it up. I seem to recall some textbooks in school having sparkly covers… And the same schools that teach the plague was a bacteria use glitter in grade school crafts… Coincidence? You decide.

Man, I hate glitter. So much…

…is it weird that I might find it hot on my wife?

Assuming it could come off cleanly — and not on me — of course.