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I’m so thankful for the freedom to eat bacon that comes with this Christianity thing. I won’t say that it was the deciding factor when choosing between the big three monotheistic religions, but it certainly didn’t hurt the case.

Bacon has gotten a lot of publicity lately. At state fairs, you can get fried bacon. At ThinkGeek, you can buy bacon flavored candy. I’ve seen bacon-scented soap, candles, and scratch-n-sniff stickers. I’ve seen recipes for cookies, cakes, and ice cream featuring bacon as the star attraction. I bet Lady Gaga has a bacon pencil skirt hanging in her walk-in closet/refrigerator. And I’m pretty sure everyone’s seen the classic rub some bacon on it videos.

What I don’t get, however, is where all this came from all of a sudden. How is it that pork bellies can go viral so fast?

Perhaps this is why God warned the ancient Hebrews against swine. He knew a culture could quickly degrade into bacon mayo and bacon perfume. Perhaps the unclean nature of the other white meat had little to do with the risk of biological bacterial infections and everything to do with cultural viral inceptions.

Maybe we still aren’t ready to possess bacon, for we became possessed by bacon.

And soon our hogging of hog will consume us so utterly that the effects become obvious. Porcine rhinoplasty patients turn their nose up at the world. Pigtail hairstyles become supplemented by curly-q ribbons in flesh tones covered with fine hair. All fits of laughter break down into snorts within moments, and snorting when you laugh becomes cool. Police officers begin considering their derogatory label as high praise. Preteen Asian fangirls begin suffixing their excitement with the letter “l” (squee-l). Catching an oiled pig becomes an Olympic sport, right alongside mud wallowing (not to be confused with mud wrestling).
Where does it end?!

When we rename monkey bars porky bars? When we all st-stu-st-stutter like cartoon characters? When zoo house only peccaries? When we repaint all airplanes to resemble pigs just so pigs can fly? When we surgically install vestigial curly tails on our infants? When we bathe in bacon water, sleep between bacon sheets, eat bacon-bacon-and-bacon sandwiches on bacon-infused bread, use bacon grease as sexual lubricant, and drive cars made from bacon that run on bacon-burning engines (“That new Toyota sure can crisp some bacon”).

Is this what you warned us about, God?! Should we have listened?!

No? Oh, okay.

I’m getting all worked up about nothing. That’s a relief.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pig out on some ham and watch some pigskin on TV with the squealing kids.

Uh oh.

Originally posted 2015-09-18 08:00:11.