So you’ve come across this website that claims to be Christian in its message, yet we talk openly about sex toys and even have reviews of some of them. What’s up with that? Aren’t Christians supposed to shun such things? What place is there for sex toys in a Christian marriage?
Culture & Personality
For most people, their acceptance or objection to sex toys has little to nothing to do with their religious beliefs. Mostly, it’s based on personality and culture. Consider my area, influenced by Southern conservatism and homemade apple pie, where stores aren’t readily permitted to openly sell sex toys. Yet anyone who drives through the area sees billboards and hears radio ads depicting specialty stores that sell just that. But, you see, these are “adult novelties” and are somehow completely different.
So basically, we — as a culture — don’t want all those sexual deviants that would frequent an establishment that sells sex toys, but we certainly don’t mind having a novelty or two in our underwear drawer. We’ve got an image to maintain, or something. Whatever it is, it’s not religious conviction, since we happily purchase these items under this ridiculous reclassification. So stupid.
Shockingly, Scripture is silent on rechargeable rabbits, remote control clitoral stimulators, waterproof vibrators, and rhinestone-encrusted black glass dildos. Go figure. But Hebrews 4:13 defines a broad range of sexual freedom within marriage which I take as a green light for exploration and experimentation within the boundaries of marriage.
However, there is a level of discretion to be employed by Christian couples using or considering the use of sex toys.
Sex toys should be employed for a singular specific purpose: to elevate or maintain the level of intimacy within the marriage. This might happen through the introduction of variety, the increase of desire, or the improvement of satisfaction, but the goal must remain steadfast. It must be all about the intimacy of the marriage.
Sex toys should be employed for a singular specific purpose: to elevate or maintain the level of intimacy within the marriage.
This is a somewhat ethereal abstraction, so let me offer some basic ground rules that I think could help to solidify the concept.
First, sex toys should only be used with the awareness and approval of both partners. Though they often will be, this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re only used when both partners are present (see our discussion on marital masturbation). It does mean the use is never hidden from the other person, and that other person is always welcome to express reservations without fear of reprisal. On that note…
Second, sex toys should only be used in a manner with which both partners are comfortable. If a husband is uncomfortable with his wife using a vibrator on herself, then she should refrain out of respect and love. If he welcomes its use by him on her, then that is fine. Always love your spouse more than yourself.
Third, both parties should always be on guard for any substitutionary dynamics, which can be subtle and hard to catch. If a toy ever becomes desired directly in lieu of the spouse, or primarily apart from intimacy with the spouse, then it has been elevated to an unhealthy place; it’s now taking the place of the spouse. This requires some sober introspection, so only proceed if you can honestly remain objective about it.
Provided they’re used accordingly, sex toys can be enjoyed in any Christian marriage, from aged pastors to new converts. To be fair, the things you do with them might not be approved of by mainstream evangelicals and their generally Victorian tendencies, but frankly, it’s none of their business. No matter how freaky you are.
So go ahead. Get your freak on.